Ethnically Speaking, May 2

Larry Meeks
Sat, 02 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Larry: I'm writing in response to your hesitation to open doors for women.

First, let me say that as a woman, I appreciate it when men extend this courtesy to me, and I make sure to smile to thank and encourage them to keep it up. I also act graciously because I've heard that some men, such as you, have been treated rudely by women when you have opened doors for them.

Second, I have three sons, who are now 19, 22 and 25. When they were young, I taught them to hold doors open for people. There were countless times when people sailed on through and didn't bother to thank them! I taught my sons that what was important was the kind of men they wanted to be, not how other people treated them. I reminded them of the principle of personal accountability, which I tried to teach them in many situations: to base their actions on what they know to be right, not on what other people do.
Updated: Fri May 01, 2009

Dear Larry: I'm writing in response to your hesitation to open doors for women.

First, let me say that as a woman, I appreciate it when men extend this courtesy to me, and I make sure to smile to thank and encourage them to keep it up. I also act graciously because I've heard that some men, such as you, have been treated rudely by women when you have opened doors for them.

Second, I have three sons, who are now 19, 22 and 25. When they were young, I taught them to hold doors open for people. There were countless times when people sailed on through and didn't bother to thank them! I taught my sons that what was important was the kind of men they wanted to be, not how other people treated them. I reminded them of the principle of personal accountability, which I tried to teach them in many situations: to base their actions on what they know to be right, not on what other people do.

Third, I want to encourage you to be true to yourself and your values and do something that I think the majority of women agree with and appreciate. I am very sorry that you've had the experience of having your kindness thrown in your face. I feel so bad for good men today when they are attacked and criticized for trying to be gentlemen and good husbands.

My experience with impolite people is different from yours. One time, I was leaving a store with both arms full of packages. In order to open the door, I had to back out of it. Just as I got it open, a man walked right through the open door ahead of me. He didn't even offer the simple human courtesy of helping a person burdened with packages, and he didn't thank me for having the door open for him, either!

When I happen to reach a door before a man, I go ahead and walk through it, but I stop and hold the door open behind me — that seeming more considerate than letting it shut in his face.

According to my nonscientific survey, about 75 percent of rude people are men. I've been tempted to say something to these men. I admit that a few times, I've said "you're welcome!" after not hearing "thank you." But most of the time, I remember what I taught my sons when they were young: Do the right thing regardless of how another person behaves.

Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle, and maybe it's easier for me because I live in a medium-sized city in the Midwest, not a large, sophisticated, coastal city.

It would be interesting if you polled your readers, men and women, to find out how they feel about this issue and to see how many men have had experiences similar to yours. — Tamara

Dear Tamara: According to my nonscientific survey, I believe you are correct that more men are rude.

I am the kind of person who relishes in doing the right thing, but it does not take many instances of criticism from people before one becomes uncertain of what constitutes correct behavior, especially when the other side remains silent.

When a silent majority has a position on an issue, it is important for that majority to make that position known. I heard someone say, "This country is not ruled by the majority; it is ruled by the tyranny of the minority." That statement is not quite true. This one is better: "This country is ruled by the vocal — whether it be the vocal majority or vocal minority."