Woman Has Hard Time Trusting Her Boyfriend

Martin and Josie Brown
Wed, 12 Mar 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: I know I'm not supposed to distrust my significant other, but I've been lied to so many times in my life, I'm not sure I know how to trust. I recently went through my boyfriend "Mario"'s old mail. I found a few notes from an old girlfriend. He's told me about her, but there are some key things he didn't mention.

For example, he said he hadn't been in a serious relationship for over a year prior to meeting me, yet the letters clearly indicate that he was with her two weeks before we met. I don't want to tell him I was going through his personal things, but how do I explain my concern? I thought he was a person I was willing to trust. What should I do? — On Shaky Ground, in Battle Creek, Mich.

Dear Shaky Ground: There is a world of difference between telling the truth about feelings and telling the truth about circumstances. In Mario's mind, he feels he wasn't serious about this other woman, or anyone, for a long period of time. In order to signal his availability to you, he told what is commonly called a "little white lie" — similar to any omission you might make to him regarding your perusal of his old letters.
Updated: Thu Mar 13, 2014

Dear John: I know I'm not supposed to distrust my significant other, but I've been lied to so many times in my life, I'm not sure I know how to trust. I recently went through my boyfriend "Mario"'s old mail. I found a few notes from an old girlfriend. He's told me about her, but there are some key things he didn't mention.

For example, he said he hadn't been in a serious relationship for over a year prior to meeting me, yet the letters clearly indicate that he was with her two weeks before we met. I don't want to tell him I was going through his personal things, but how do I explain my concern? I thought he was a person I was willing to trust. What should I do? — On Shaky Ground, in Battle Creek, Mich.

Dear Shaky Ground: There is a world of difference between telling the truth about feelings and telling the truth about circumstances. In Mario's mind, he feels he wasn't serious about this other woman, or anyone, for a long period of time. In order to signal his availability to you, he told what is commonly called a "little white lie" — similar to any omission you might make to him regarding your perusal of his old letters.

However, there are two larger issues here: First, why did you feel compelled to go through his mail? Secondly, why does he feel the need to be careful in how and what he says to you? Perhaps he senses your lack of trust and therefore created this white lie in the first place. No man wants to confront a nightly inquisition. Common sense should tell you that this kind of behavior would simply drive him away.

If you are unsure of the relationship, don't snoop, rather try the honest approach of saying, "I'm just not ready for this commitment yet." If, as you say, you recognize his good intentions, it's time for you to demonstrate your trust, both in actions and words. He will sense that shift in you, and you can both start to create a relationship built on mutual trust.

Dear John: I am dating a man who has been married three times. He's 53, I'm 47, and I have never been married. Neither of us have children. He is delightful, and we enjoy each other's company. But how do I get him to not talk to me about these ex-wives that he is still friendly with? I've thought about talking to him about the past men in my life to get a response, but I don't want to do that because I'm not even interested in discussing them with him. — Living in the Present, in Towson, Md.

Dear Present: Sometimes, the most difficult thing for women is to just be direct and ask for what they want. Perhaps your mother never taught you how. In this case, try saying something like, "Honey, I love the fact that you are still on good terms with these women. Still, it makes me uncomfortable when you talk about your past wives." Without tit for tat, or guilt, or making your partner feel he has done something wrong, you have now communicated your message.

This may take several repetitions. Guys often don't fully listen the first time around. Each time, however, say it without becoming annoyed or showing impatience. After all, it may well take him a while to break this routine and recognize that you are truly uncomfortable with this topic. Learning to ask persistently for what you want, and doing so in a nonconfrontational way, should bring the result you are seeking and deserve.