Divorce Is a Painful Experience

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 12 Apr 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him!

Although my children are from another marriage, my youngest daughter and my ex became particularly close during our marriage, since her biological father hasn't been at all involved in her life. Because of my daughter's closeness to my ex, I opted to miss her wedding, knowing he was going to be there. Needless to say, my daughter and I haven't spoken since. — Real Pain, in Bridgeport, Conn.

Dear Real Pain: Divorce is truly a painful experience. Those who have gone through a divorce can tell you that it can be as devastating as the loss of a loved one. You have not yet processed your unresolved feelings regarding your breakup. Please consider having a licensed therapist work with you on removing emotional barriers that will continue to stand in the way of your future happiness. Additionally, write your daughter a note expressing your love, explaining your feelings and your regret about not being there for her on this very important day in her life. She had hoped that you could have put her happiness ahead of your anxiety. At that time, you simply could not. At this point, you can only hope that the love between you — and her ever-growing maturity — will allow her to acknowledge this, forgive you and move forward.
Updated: Sun Apr 13, 2014

Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him!

Although my children are from another marriage, my youngest daughter and my ex became particularly close during our marriage, since her biological father hasn't been at all involved in her life. Because of my daughter's closeness to my ex, I opted to miss her wedding, knowing he was going to be there. Needless to say, my daughter and I haven't spoken since. — Real Pain, in Bridgeport, Conn.

Dear Real Pain: Divorce is truly a painful experience. Those who have gone through a divorce can tell you that it can be as devastating as the loss of a loved one. You have not yet processed your unresolved feelings regarding your breakup. Please consider having a licensed therapist work with you on removing emotional barriers that will continue to stand in the way of your future happiness. Additionally, write your daughter a note expressing your love, explaining your feelings and your regret about not being there for her on this very important day in her life. She had hoped that you could have put her happiness ahead of your anxiety. At that time, you simply could not. At this point, you can only hope that the love between you — and her ever-growing maturity — will allow her to acknowledge this, forgive you and move forward.

Dear John: My husband, "Bud," of 10 years told me he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love me the way a husband loves a wife, but more like a friend loves a friend. We don't have sex anymore, which was not my idea. We are, however, the best of friends and talk all the time. We are going through all of our stuff and splitting it up. Now I need to get on with my life. I have two teenagers from my first husband. Bud has been a father to them all their lives, considering they were very small when we married. How can I be there for them, when I now have to go to work and make ends meet? I do want love in my life once more, but I never plan on marrying or living with anyone again. How do I get beyond missing him? — Disappointed, in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Disappointed: I can tell from what you have written that you are doing your very best to keep a good attitude during difficult times. Do you have a close friend, perhaps a sibling or another person, to whom you can open up? Seek out that person now and have a long, healthy cry. Release some of your hurt and sense of loss. It's OK to feel that pain. When you talk about "never," that's just all the hurt you feel coming out. Love may have left your life more than once, but it will come again, and you should follow it when it does. For now, you have two wonderful children who need your love and strength. You'll do the right thing for them and for yourself. It's the only thing you know to do.