Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend

Martin and Josie Brown
Wed, 16 Apr 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because she is not going to change her opinion. Trying to control my temper is something that has plagued me since I was young and has had an impact on all my relationships and friendships. I don't like this characteristic and want to contain or change it before I lose the love of my life. — Angry Andy, in Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Andy: Change is admitting you have a problem, so you have taken that important first step. Now it's important you devise an alternate behavior for when you feel a fight coming on. For example, if your girlfriend brings up a concern, listen to what she says, but don't answer. Instead, in a calm voice, ask her for some time to think about what she has said, perhaps two hours. This allows you a cooling-off period. In the meantime, take a walk or work out to relieve your anger. Then write down what you want to say to her. Remember, the goal is to find a compromise that works for both of you, so use words that will win her over. When you're ready to meet, speak and act with respect. This sets the tone for her as well. Soon your arguments will turn into win-win discussions.

Dear John: I have been with "George" for eight months. He went through a bad breakup a couple of years before we met. His ex-girlfriend left him. Because of his behavior with her, he felt her decision was justified. At the time, he had suicidal thoughts because he believed he'd lost "the best thing in his life."
Updated: Thu Apr 17, 2014

Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because she is not going to change her opinion. Trying to control my temper is something that has plagued me since I was young and has had an impact on all my relationships and friendships. I don't like this characteristic and want to contain or change it before I lose the love of my life. — Angry Andy, in Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Andy: Change is admitting you have a problem, so you have taken that important first step. Now it's important you devise an alternate behavior for when you feel a fight coming on. For example, if your girlfriend brings up a concern, listen to what she says, but don't answer. Instead, in a calm voice, ask her for some time to think about what she has said, perhaps two hours. This allows you a cooling-off period. In the meantime, take a walk or work out to relieve your anger. Then write down what you want to say to her. Remember, the goal is to find a compromise that works for both of you, so use words that will win her over. When you're ready to meet, speak and act with respect. This sets the tone for her as well. Soon your arguments will turn into win-win discussions.

Dear John: I have been with "George" for eight months. He went through a bad breakup a couple of years before we met. His ex-girlfriend left him. Because of his behavior with her, he felt her decision was justified. At the time, he had suicidal thoughts because he believed he'd lost "the best thing in his life."

I can understand all this, but we have a big problem: George constantly talks about her! He mentions her a couple of times a day. His remarks appear in trivial comments. For example, I once mentioned I liked broccoli, and he replied that she liked broccoli, too. When I point this out, George replies that it doesn't mean anything and that he didn't realize he did it. He says that he used to hate her but now has no feelings for her. Lately, we have stopped being intimate. — Living in the Past, in Boston

Dear In the Past: You hit it right on the head: George is not over his previous relationship. Unfortunately, until he gets over her, he won't be able to appreciate his life with you, or anyone else for that matter. He can ignore these feelings, but they will never go away on their own. George has to face this fact before he can move on. Both of you need to take some time apart. Hopefully, this separation will allow him to sort out his feelings about both of you and move him out of the past and into the future.