Husband Fears Linked to Previous Abuse by Mother

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 22 Mar 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: I'm married to a man who was beaten by his mother. She did not abuse any of her other children, only "Max." At 16, he told her, "No more." She immediately kicked him out of the house, and he survived by staying with friends. He even lived by a riverbank for a time. She has never apologized for her part in this and just explains it away as being "her way."

He is 39 now and would like to try a different career, but he is afraid of failure. I think he has doubts stemming from his mother's cruelty. I want to help him think this through, but when I want to talk to him about it, he pulls away. He has told me that he is too stupid to get a better job. I know for a fact this is not true, as he has survived so much and has turned out to be a good husband and a wonderful father.

My father used to list all of his regrets, and one was that he didn't try to do anything else for a living. I don't want my husband to feel this way when he is older. — Loving Wife, in Pittsburgh
Updated: Sun Mar 23, 2014

Dear John: I'm married to a man who was beaten by his mother. She did not abuse any of her other children, only "Max." At 16, he told her, "No more." She immediately kicked him out of the house, and he survived by staying with friends. He even lived by a riverbank for a time. She has never apologized for her part in this and just explains it away as being "her way."

He is 39 now and would like to try a different career, but he is afraid of failure. I think he has doubts stemming from his mother's cruelty. I want to help him think this through, but when I want to talk to him about it, he pulls away. He has told me that he is too stupid to get a better job. I know for a fact this is not true, as he has survived so much and has turned out to be a good husband and a wonderful father.

My father used to list all of his regrets, and one was that he didn't try to do anything else for a living. I don't want my husband to feel this way when he is older. — Loving Wife, in Pittsburgh

Dear Loving Wife: When a parent betrays a child's trust and abandons him, it will have its effects in later life unless it is healed. Clearly, your husband's past is holding him back. His fears are linked to this abuse.

However, by scrutinizing him, you'll only increase his self-consciousness, which will, in turn, threaten his self-esteem. It sounds as if you are trying to replace the mother he did not have. This is not your role, and he does not want that. He, however, does want your love and support.

Recognize his boundaries and be prepared for the fact that he may not want to make a career change. The choice is his, not yours. Whatever his choice, if you love him, then simply support him.

Dear John: I just recently met a wonderful man off the Internet. We hit it off, and I have been seeing him for about three months. I made the mistake when we first met of not immediately asking him if he was dating others; I was more concerned with whether or not he was right for me. About two weeks ago, we were intimate with each other for the first time. That night, I gathered the guts to ask him when the last time was that he made love to a woman, and he told me, "About two weeks ago." At the time, his answer didn't really matter to me because we did not yet have any kind of exclusive commitment to each other. And since then, we've been together every day.

Last Sunday, I happened to have noticed that there was a woman's barrette on the table next to his bed. He is a terrible pack rat and somewhat of a classic bachelor slob. The barrette could have been there for one day, one month or one year. But my feelings for him are growing and whether he is telling me the truth now matters to me. I want to be exclusive with this man but don't know if it is too early to ask him if he is dating other women, or even if he wants to be exclusive. He makes me feel like I'm the only person on the face of the earth when we are together. Should I be bold and ask? — Needing Exclusivity, in Fort Wayne, Ind.

Dear Needing: If monogamy is an important issue, you should have held off having sex until you were assured that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Now it's too late. Get out of the guessing game. To do this, you must not show any hurt feelings, or he will run in the opposite direction. Instead, acknowledge your mistake. Say, "I neglected to ask you if you are seeing anyone else at the time we met. I really enjoy making love to you, but I would feel more comfortable in a monogamous relationship. Since I care for you, I'd like us to go a little slower until we are both at the same stage in this relationship. Of course, you're not at fault. These are my feelings. If you are currently seeing others, I don't want to push you toward being monogamous with me unless that is something you truly wish to be."

Once you've leveled with him, he can make a decision: He can back off or get back in through a monogamous commitment to you.