Unhealthy Attraction

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 19 Apr 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around her. She walks past me and my knees go weak. Needless to say, she doesn't speak much to me and leaves me wondering what she thinks of me. For weeks, we'll walk past each other without any open acknowledgement. I get so nervous around her that I close up. Certain days, few and far between, she acknowledges me with a broad smile! But the very next day, she is back to being reserved. My heart and my head are having a major conflict. — Uncertain Admirer, in Wilmington, Del.

Dear Uncertain Admirer: It sounds like you have developed an attraction for a substitute mother: She is older and has children of her own. You feel an attraction for her, but you know it can't go beyond that, and your world seems to revolve around her approval and recognition. Often in life, unresolved issues from our past appear in ways we would have never thought possible. There's a good chance that a part of you is trying to resolve issues that have gone unresolved for far too long. Explore these issues with a therapist. Don't be scared of that process. We each have unique issues. If there is a deeper meaning to all this, you owe it to yourself to find out.

Dear John: You've probably heard this story many times. My husband is having an affair. He's 52 and seeing a 37-year-old. I think he feels I would have never known about this if someone had not told me. Little does he know! I knew something was going on because he was hiding his cellphone bills and abruptly ending phone conversations upon my entering the room. Plus, Mr. Homebody suddenly has to go on "errands" two evenings a week. Still, I love the guy, and I'm willing to forgive him if he ends the affair. But what do I do if he goes back to her? Right now, he won't talk about it. Do I finally faceoff with the girlfriend to see what's going on and what he has told her? — Losing Him, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
Updated: Sun Apr 20, 2014

Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around her. She walks past me and my knees go weak. Needless to say, she doesn't speak much to me and leaves me wondering what she thinks of me. For weeks, we'll walk past each other without any open acknowledgement. I get so nervous around her that I close up. Certain days, few and far between, she acknowledges me with a broad smile! But the very next day, she is back to being reserved. My heart and my head are having a major conflict. — Uncertain Admirer, in Wilmington, Del.

Dear Uncertain Admirer: It sounds like you have developed an attraction for a substitute mother: She is older and has children of her own. You feel an attraction for her, but you know it can't go beyond that, and your world seems to revolve around her approval and recognition. Often in life, unresolved issues from our past appear in ways we would have never thought possible. There's a good chance that a part of you is trying to resolve issues that have gone unresolved for far too long. Explore these issues with a therapist. Don't be scared of that process. We each have unique issues. If there is a deeper meaning to all this, you owe it to yourself to find out.

Dear John: You've probably heard this story many times. My husband is having an affair. He's 52 and seeing a 37-year-old. I think he feels I would have never known about this if someone had not told me. Little does he know! I knew something was going on because he was hiding his cellphone bills and abruptly ending phone conversations upon my entering the room. Plus, Mr. Homebody suddenly has to go on "errands" two evenings a week. Still, I love the guy, and I'm willing to forgive him if he ends the affair. But what do I do if he goes back to her? Right now, he won't talk about it. Do I finally faceoff with the girlfriend to see what's going on and what he has told her? — Losing Him, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Dear Losing Him: His having this affair diminishes your sense of self-worth and greatly affects your commitment to a future together. This is something you have to admit to yourself. It is also the point you have to get across to him. You can do so better if you drop the philosophical pose and get with the real issue: He's cheating on you, and you're not the least bit happy about that. Set the record straight and tell him what you want and that the games are over. Then, stick to your resolve. If he leaves, he doesn't want to be with you, and his doing so allows you both to move on with your lives.