The Careless Comment Spread Round the World

Jessica Burtch
Fri, 20 Sep 2013 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

My mother, my sister and I were driving to visit some relatives, and we saw a couple crossing the street. My mother said, "Hey, is that Nadine?" (Nadine is my cousin's wife.) As we got closer, we saw that it wasn't. I was exhausted, carsick and tired of my mother's carping about everything, and I said, "Of course that's not Nadine. She doesn't dress that ugly."

We got to my aunt's house, where we were going to visit for a few minutes before going to see my grandmother, and my cousin and his wife showed up. Nadine walked up to me and said, "Bill, that was so sweet of you, what you said about me." I asked her what she was talking about, and she said, "Your sister told me what you said on the way over here." I did a double take and said, "Nadine, don't listen to what my sister says. She has a problem with self-control."

As we were getting back into the car, I asked my sister what she was thinking, telling Nadine those things, and she just said, "Oh, but she was flattered." I asked her never to repeat anything I say, explaining that I don't know my cousin's wife that well, and you never know how someone will react.
Updated: Fri Sep 20, 2013

My mother, my sister and I were driving to visit some relatives, and we saw a couple crossing the street. My mother said, "Hey, is that Nadine?" (Nadine is my cousin's wife.) As we got closer, we saw that it wasn't. I was exhausted, carsick and tired of my mother's carping about everything, and I said, "Of course that's not Nadine. She doesn't dress that ugly."

We got to my aunt's house, where we were going to visit for a few minutes before going to see my grandmother, and my cousin and his wife showed up. Nadine walked up to me and said, "Bill, that was so sweet of you, what you said about me." I asked her what she was talking about, and she said, "Your sister told me what you said on the way over here." I did a double take and said, "Nadine, don't listen to what my sister says. She has a problem with self-control."

As we were getting back into the car, I asked my sister what she was thinking, telling Nadine those things, and she just said, "Oh, but she was flattered." I asked her never to repeat anything I say, explaining that I don't know my cousin's wife that well, and you never know how someone will react.

Was my sister wrong? Shouldn't I be allowed to say it myself if I have anything to say about someone? My sister does this kind of thing a lot, and so does my mother. My sister is 28 now, and I think she should know better. — Sister Silencer

Gossip is the universal language, Sil, spoken by more people than English, Spanish, Arabic, Hindi, Chinese and even love. Yes, love.

Does that make it right? No. Does that mean it's wrong? Meh. Ish. It depends.

Context is important here, because what we're doing is weighing the human tendency to talk about people behind their backs with the human tendency to get all judgy about stuff — even stuff we do ourselves.

The kind of gossip that annihilates self-esteem, destroys relationships and drives people to dark places is wrong. Clearly wrong. The kind your sister is guilty of in this case is annoying. It's a bad habit. It's cause to choose your words carefully in her presence. And it's something most of us do to some extent.

You say Sis is 28 and should know better. You say she and your mother do it all the time. And yet despite your awareness of the inclination toward gossip of everyone in the car with you, you make an unkind remark about a total stranger and are surprised when it's later shared as some kind of backhanded compliment.

Why your sister felt compelled to tell Nadine you think she "doesn't dress that ugly" is a mystery. Why Nadine found it "so sweet" is the eighth wonder of the world. Count your lucky stars Sis hasn't bumped into the woman with the scandalous sense of style.

In a perfect universe, where the art of the compliment is refined and war is something only for the history books, your sister would keep her mouth shut — and you wouldn't make an innocent bystander the subject of your negative comparison. As Dylan would say, it's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

Follow Jessica on Twitter @sicaleigh, and ask her just about anything at askquestionable@gmail.com. To find out more about Jessica Leigh and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers, visit creators.com.